


Cheesy Wizarding Pick Up Lines

by DennaSnape



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Harry accepts a dare from the Weasley twins, In which Harry discovers something about himself, M/M, More of a bargain really, Rating for later chapters, Truly god awful pickup lines, cheesy pickup lines, crosspost from ffnet, terrible pickup lines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:35:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 7,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22083484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DennaSnape/pseuds/DennaSnape
Summary: Prompt: 438 - As part of a dare with the Weasley twins, Harry agrees to make a pass at every professor at Hogwarts. He leaves Snape until last.Less of a dare, more of a bargain. Harry makes his passes as very, very lame pick up lines focused around the professor he is hitting on.
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Harry Potter, Filius Flitwick/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Aurora Sinistra, Harry Potter/Pomona Sprout, Harry Potter/Severus Snape, Harry Potter/Sybill Trelawney, Minerva McGonagall/Harry Potter, Remus Lupin/Harry Potter, Rolanda Hooch/Harry Potter, Rubeus Hagrid/Harry Potter
Comments: 75
Kudos: 629





	1. The Dare

The Weasley twins duck as their room shakes with the force of a medium sized explosion, they look at each other with a bemused look; for once it wasn’t their potion making the house rock slightly. Harry sighs as he surveys the damage he had done, it was quite an impressive mess, there was goop everywhere and dust had fallen from the roof.

“Fred! George! What are you two doing up there?” Molly Weasley yells up the small staircase. “I swear if I come up there and you have damaged that room, I don’t care if you have the money to replace anything that is broken; I will kick you both out!” The twins grab Harry by the arms and shove him into the closet before vanishing the goop.

“It’s okay, mum, just mistimed an ingredient drop,” Fred says smoothly. “I know the explosion was almost as bad as that time we let Ron brew a potion, but we promise that no one else uses our cauldron.”

“If I find out you are lying, both of you and whoever else is using the cauldron will be out!” Molly warns before heading back down to the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry, guys,” Harry apologises as they let him out of the small closet.

“It’s no issue, Harry... But we do require,” George pauses looking for the right word.

“Payment?” Fred offers and George nods, “we are planning on moving out by Christmas,” he continues and Harry wonders why that matters.

“If you can fulfill our bargain, then your honour is safe,” George carries on the conversation.

“If you cannot, we tell mum about your potion making,” Fred grins. Harry sighs and waves his hand to signal he was ready for their bargain. “By the time we move out, you have to hit on all of the professors at Hogwarts.”

“What? No way!” Harry gasps; George opens his mouth to call for their mum. “Wait, okay, what do I have to do? Just flirt with them? How will you know if I’ve done it?” Fred taps his temple and rummages through a drawer before pulling out a small bowl.

“It’s a mini pensieve, you just put the memory of you hitting on the professors in here, and it will transfer to our one here,” Fred points to a larger bowl in the drawer.

“Deal,” Harry grumbles holding out his wand. Fred and George touch the tips of his wand to theirs creating a slight golden glow.

“Remember, you only have till Christmas,” George grins before pushing Harry out the door.


	2. Sprout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a kick in the rear to get him into gear Harry makes his first pass at a certain Herbology teacher.

Harry eyes the letter in front of him wearily, it has Fred’s name on it. With a deep breath he opens the parchment.

_‘Harry, you’ve been at Hogwarts for a month now, if you don’t get a move on you won’t have time to hit on all the 10 teachers we discussed. We want one by dinner tonight, F &G.’_ The letter vanishes as Ron reaches over to grab it.

“Hey!” He whines earning a jab in the ribs from Hermione.

“Are you okay, Harry?” Hermione asks gently. Harry looks at her with dazed eyes.

“Uh, yeah... Just gotta get to Transfiguration, yeah?” Harry jumps up with a start.

“Um...” Hermione thinks for a second but Harry is already gone from the hall.

Ron and Hermione join their friend in the Transfiguration classroom and can’t help but notice him looking around the room, blushing and starting to sweat. As Professor McGonagall enters the room Harry starts fidgeting with his books and scribbling in the margins.

“Potter, are you alright?” McGonagall calls out.

“Uh...” Harry draws a blank, _go Harry, go,_ “yes Professor,” he stutters before giving her a weak smile.

“Well then, can you please transfigure your book into a bird’s cage?” Hermione looks at him worriedly. With a complicated flick of his wand Harry manages to turn his book into an iron covered book.

“Envision the cage,” McGonagall instructs. He tries again and manages a small cage. The bell tolls and the class leaves.

The day continues in a similar way as Harry flushes and fidgets through Charms and Divination, his resolve to hit on a teacher not strengthening any.

The trio heads down to the Greenhouses for Herbology and Harry paces as they wait for Sprout to let them in. He tries to return Hannah's smile as he sits across from the Hufflepuff, but he only manages a grimace as the class begins.

The lesson passes far too fast and he bites out that he needed to ask Sprout a question and Ron and Hermione head out of the Greenhouse to wait.

“Everything okay, Potter?” The Herbology teacher asks as she spots the beads of perspiration on Harry's brow.

“No, Professor, in fact I think you've used Devil's Snare to ensnare my heart,” he attempts to raise his eyebrows suggestively, but his complexion gives away his discomfort.

“Oh, Potter, I think you'd best be off,” she waves him out of the Greenhouse with an awkward smile and he dashes outside, glad for the cold air.

“I, ah, gotta go,” he rushes past his friends as he hurries up the Grand Staircase. He spells his curtains closed as he touches his wand to his temple, the memory of his awful pickup attempt shimmering into the pensieve in his lap.

~

“Fred, a memory just dropped!” George calls to his twin and they watch the ghostly image in their pensieve.

“Lord, Potter, how do you ever expect to get laid?” Fred laughs at the awful pickup line.

“This is brilliant,” George nods as they realise they get to see another nine of these terrible attempts.


	3. Hooch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After managing the first one, Harry makes pass number two after a Quidditch match.

The weekend arrives and Harry hasn't heard from the twins again. He jumps as Ron claps him on the shoulder as they wait to head out onto the Quidditch pitch.

“I think Fred and George said they were gonna show up for the match, and Hogsmeade,” he grins at his best friend and Harry blanches. Surely they wouldn't expect him to hit on a Professor while they were here?

“Alright, let's go!” Harry does his best to sound enthusiastic as he leads the team out onto the pitch. 

Harry clasps hands with the Hufflepuff Captain and mounts his broom as Hooch nods to them both. He feels his face flush as she raises the whistle to her lips and the game begins.

He circles high above the stands to search for the Snitch, watching the other players weave and pass the Quaffle, each team fighting for the win. His eyes dart over the stands and he spots the twins standing with Hermione and Ginny and they cheer loudly as Ron blocks the Hufflepuff's throw.

He catches sight of the Snitch as he circles casually and he tracks it darting towards his position. It jumps back and forth as it flutters and darts below his broom.

There's a shout from the stands as Harry seems to fall off his broom, the brunet teen only holding onto the Firebolt with his knees as he makes a grab for the Golden Snitch. Hooch streaks up to where the teen was pulling himself back up, his right hand grasping the struggling Snitch and she blows her whistle sharply to end the match.

“What were you thinking Potter?”

“Sorry, I think I just fell for you, Professor,” he awkwardly winks as Hooch halts in midair.

“Alright, off to the showers and I'll grab the Matron, I think you took a Bludger to the head,” she shakes her head as she takes off towards the pitch and Harry follows behind her.

~

Twenty minutes later, Harry is finally allowed to leave the Hospital Wing to join the other students going to Hogsmeade.

“Alright there, Harry?” Come twin tones as Fred and George wrap their arms around his shoulders, sandwiching him between them.

“Hooch thought I might have gotten a Bludger to the head,” he sighs cryptically as Ron and Hermione join them just outside the Great Hall.

“I'll be checking you extra carefully on the way back, Potter,” Filch growls as he signs the teen's out, his teeth gnashing as he glares at the twins.

“Why would she think that?” Hermione looks confused as a blush creeps across Harry's cheeks.

“No reason,” he tries to think of a subject change but George giggles and Fred lets out an 'Aha!'.

“Show us! Do you have a pensieve, Fred?” George manages as they slide into a carriage towards Hogsmeade.

“I'm sure I've got the little one for avoiding Snape,” his twin replies as he shuffles through a pouch. “Here we go!” The small box is opened to reveal a small dish and Fred scoops the shimmering liquid out and hands it to Harry.

“Come on,” Harry begs casting a look towards his best friends.

“You didn't tell them?”

“Tell us what?”

“No!”

“What?”

“Harry was the one who exploded that cauldron over the break,” George grins and Harry's cheeks burn.

“So we made a deal that he would hit on the Professors of our choosing, he just has to pop his memory in there and we'll check off number two,” Fred continues pointedly.

Harry harrumphs at them but touches his wand to his temple to draw forth the memory, the shimmering strand filling the small dish.

The twins lean over it to watch his terrible pass at Hooch and snicker to each other.

“Can't wait for the next one!” Harry's shoulders drop as he realises he definitely could wait for the next one, he really wasn't enjoying hitting on the female professors.


	4. Sinistra

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a ticking in his pocket, Harry makes a starry eyed pass up in the Astronomy Tower.

Harry stared at the piece of parchment that had arrived in the morning post. The twins had written again and he knew his time was running out. It had been two and a half weeks since the Quidditch match and the end of October was drawing close. _'tic, toc, tic, toc. F &G'_

“Okay, Harry?” Hermione pats him on the arm as they head to class.

“Just this stupid dare,” he shoves the note into his pocket as they enter the Defence classroom and he meets Remus' eyes with a slight flush. “So stupid,” he shakes his head as the lesson commences and he tries to avoid thinking about his dad's best friend at the front of the class. At some point before Christmas, Harry would have to hit on him.

Surely that thought should have him shuddering, begging Fred and George to cut him some slack. But it was the idea of hitting on the female teachers that gave him goosebumps, and not the pleasant type.

“Do you have a list?” Ron asks as they make their way down to the Greenhouses and Harry nods, deep in his bag was a crumpled list that the twins had written ten names on. It was up to him which order he completed the task, and he hadn't rewritten the list, instead he was just scratching off names as he completed them.

“Can I see?” Harry shakes his head as the class starts, he didn't need them to know what names were on the list. He didn't need them to know half the list was males, seriously, why didn't that bother him?

As was normal now, Sprout diligently avoids his eyes as she directs the class. He sighs as he recalls his terrible pick up line and he wonders how others actually manage to get dates.

They spend the afternoon in the common room, Wednesday's were a study period for seventh years and Harry was glad to be away from teachers for the afternoon. He could almost hear the parchment in his pocket calling out to him as they study, _tic, toc, tic, toc._

“Harry, are you ticking?” Hermione asks as they settle at the Gryffindor table for dinner and Harry pauses. _tic, toc, tic, toc_ , yep, the note was ticking alright.

“Yeah, apparently,” he sighs heavily. “The twins are being pretty insistent.”

He throws the note into the fire as they leave the Common Room nearing midnight for their Astronomy lesson, the ticking causing the last few students to send him alarmed looks. Thankfully as the fire consumes the note the noise ceases and they trudge up to the Astronomy tower.

After the lesson Harry hangs back slightly, his face beginning to flush as he pauses near Sinistra as she packs away her telescope.

“Did you know that like the moon, your face always lights up the darkness,” he stumbles over his words slightly as the teacher looks at him.

“Erm, thanks?” She gives him a confused smile as he nods awkwardly. “Best head back to your Common Room, Potter.” He lifts his hand in a wave and he makes his way back to his Dorm, the memory quickly being added to the pensieve. He was sure he could hear the twins snickering from here.


	5. Trelawney

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wonders if Pyromancy works on the fire in one's heart

_Just two more female teachers, you can do this._ Harry tells himself, surely he could. He still felt a little ill every time he thought about the female teachers, and most of the males, kind of. He could tell his head wasn't in the game today, but he wasn't going to wait too long between passes anymore, time was running out.

Before long he and Ron are sitting in the hazy incense filled room, their eyes watering as Trelawney prattles on about fire reading and they settle with a pillar candle burning away.

“I see dick all,” Ron shrugs as he stares at the flickering light and Harry blushes unexpectedly. “Seriously, this candle looks like a dick.”

“I, uh,” Harry struggles to swallow for a moment as he stamps down his thoughts. “I see a dragon,” he flicks through his textbook to look up fire reading.

“What does it say about _phallic_ readings?” Ron does his best to sound proper as Harry almost drops his book.

“God, Ron,” Harry groans as he glances across the table. The red head grins as he loosely wraps his hand around the candle and strokes it. Harry's face goes redder at the action and Ron lets out a bark of laughter.

“Sorry, sorry,” he drops his hand and does his best to stop laughing. “Least it's just female professors, hey?” Harry is spared replying as the bell rings loudly and the red head jumps up to leave as quick as possible.

Harry takes his time putting away his book, waiting for the room to clear before he turns to the Divination teacher.

“Do you think you could read the fire in my heart? It burns for you,” he bites out as he meets the wide eyes of Trelawney and she tilts her head at him.

“Oh, my,” she waves him out of the classroom. “No, not for me, no,” the ladder is pulled into the room and the door is closed quickly and Harry shakes his head at the sharp tone of the usually soft spoken professor.

The rest of the day passes in a blur as Harry trudges from class to class, his eyes sweeping over each professor as he thinks about what he would say to each of them. Hagrid would be fine, surely, McGonagall not so much, and oh, god, Snape.

Finally he settles on his bed to place the memory in the pensieve and he crosses off another name. Six more to go.


	6. McGonagall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The winter is dreadfully cold as Harry makes his pass at the final female on the list.

The following Monday Harry wakes with a start, he'd been having quite an interesting dream with a hand wrapped around a candle, but it hadn't been Ron's. He grumbles as he gets out of bed, a withering glare being sent to his crotch as he makes his way to the showers.

Transfiguration up first, he would succeed in hitting on the final female on the list.

But the class comes and goes and he can't find the inner strength to do it and he slumps against the headboard of his bed as he contemplates what he would say to McGonagall. He wonders if he should ask Ron but after the red head's candle performance he was reluctant to know what he would suggest.

The list of names starts gathering ideas of what he would say, small hints giving him a little more confidence.

Friday he manages to complete the transfiguration set and he feels good about his line, the final woman, then smooth sailing. _What?_

After the lesson he loiters as the class leaves and he swallows hard.

“What is it, Potter?”

“Can I transfigure you into a sweater, so you can keep me warm tonight?” He manages to keep his shoulders somewhat square as he meets McGonagall's eye.

“Get to your next class,” she frowns at him slightly as he flushes and ducks out of the room.

He manages to slip into the classroom as everyone was settling and Snape glares at him.

“Almost late, Potter,” the Potions Master's eyes flick up and down the teen as he speaks.

“But I'm not,” he shrugs hoping Snape wouldn't look into his mind before he could remove the memory for the twins.

Snape had heard whispers in the staff room about Harry Potter making _passes_ at some of the teachers and he was curious. He glances into the teen's mind and easily sees his attempt at picking up McGonagall and the teen's obvious discomfort.

Harry is glad when the lesson begins, no sign of Snape reading his thoughts as he makes the potion set for the lesson. He's even more glad when he can finally transfer the memory into the pensieve, the embarrassment slightly dampened.


	7. Flitwick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's been charmed

The week passes without much happening, Harry worries with every piece of mail that he's going to get another ticking note, but none appears. 

He wakes each morning with fleeting dreams of candles and large hands, and he curses Ron's joking nature. Every lesson with the remaining teachers was becoming stressful, his hands were sweating with every spell he was casting, and he's managed to get bitten by more than one creature Hagrid has bought in for class.

Thursday morning passes with ease as they have a free morning after Astronomy to catch up on sleep and Harry is thoroughly glad that Binns is not one of the teachers he needs to make a pass at.

He squirms in his seat through Charms as he realises he has to make a pass at his _male_ teacher, and the thought still wasn't making him break out in goosebumps like it had for the female teachers.

The lesson ends and he makes his way to Flitwick's table, his heart racing slightly.

“Something wrong, Potter?” The short wizard asks.

“I think you must have Alohamora'd my heart, professor,” he tries to smile charmingly, but he's fairly sure it's almost a grimace.

“You're dismissed,” the Charms professor waves his wand and a wind picks up behind Harry to shove him from the room.

He manages to hide the fact he was dropping a memory from Ron and he rubs his eyes tiredly as he scratches another name from the list. Four more.


	8. Hagrid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As his confidence grows, Harry makes a pass at the biggest man in Hogwarts.

Harry had resolved to not wait as long between passes, and he knew that it wasn't going to hold as he rubbed his bitten fingers gingerly. He could barely concentrate in Care of Magical Creatures, and he couldn't bring himself to stay back on Tuesday.

He knows every time he waits that it's another day the twins might write him, but they've been good and haven't sent more threats. Not yet anyway.

Sitting through the Defence lesson Harry finds himself staring at Lupin at the front of the room, which was totally normal, right? Normal to watch every small motion the older man was making while talking, normal to watch the way his collar would fold down and begin to show the edge of a scar. _Yeah, normal, get a grip._

He would have to leave Lupin till almost last, he already knew the moment he made a pass at Lupin the news would be out, if it wasn't already.

Harry groans as he is torn from his sleep by a pillow being thrown at him.

“God, Harry, silencing spells,” Ron mutters as he summons his pillow back and Harry cringes as he looks down to see his sheets tented.

“Sorry,” he mumbles spelling his curtains before he curls up. He'd been dreaming of a long slender neck, and he didn't think he would be able to get back there.

“Did I say anything?” He asks Ron at breakfast and the red head shakes his head.

“Just moaning,” he rolls his eyes at his best mate and they make their way up to Divination.

The room is more calming than Harry remembers it ever being and he leaves feeling relaxed. He knows he can make a pass at Hagrid easily, he just has to make himself do it.

“How've ye been, Harry?” Hagrid claps him on the shoulder after the lesson and Harry nods noncommittally.

“Do you think music would tame my beast?” Hagrid raises a brow at the teen. “Maybe we could find out later?” He winks and Hagrid claps him on the shoulder again with a chuckle.

“Ye best be off to lunch,” he meets Ron and Hermione in the Great Hall and Ron looks at him with wide eyes.

“It is dudes, too,” he grins and Harry flushes brightly.

“Ronald,” Hermione nudges him in the ribs as he rubs his hands together. “Your brother's are terrors.”

“This is brilliant,” Ron simply grins as Harry realises he didn't get the chance to put the memory into the pensieve as they head to Transfiguration.


	9. Dumbledore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do _you_ see in the Mirror of Erised?

Harry can feel the end of November drawing near and he winces as the students start planning for Yule. He knew that Ron would invite him to the Burrow, but he isn't sure he wants to go. The Order was still planning for the inevitable war, and he wants to be part of it.

He sits on his bed looking at the list. Three names remain and he runs a hand through his hair, two of the names have notes scrawled next to them, but one has remained pristine. Harry can't think of a word to say to _that_ professor and he curses the twins under his breath.

“Harry, come on, dinner,” Ron shakes his curtains and Harry hurriedly shoves the list into his schoolbag before he leaves the safe space of his bed. “How many left?” His eyes twinkle as he grins at his best friend.

“Three,” his voice is flat as they arrive in the Great Hall. “I hate them, you know.”

“The three?”

“Your brother's,” Harry shakes his head as Ron's mind almost runs off at the idea of hated professors. No, Ron didn't need to know about that last name. “I should have just owned up to the explosion,” Ron shrugs.

“I dunno, mum was pretty pissed,” he pats Harry on the shoulder as the food arrives on the table. “What were you brewing?”

“Hm? Nothing,” he couldn't avoid the topic and Ron looks at him with raised brows. “Just,” _lie, Harry, do not tell the truth_ , “a scrying potion.” _Damn it_.

“A scrying potion? Why?”

“Just trying to see what the year would bring,” he tries to sound indifferent and Ron seems to mostly buy it. “I wanted to see if Hogwarts would be safe for once.”

Thankfully Ron drops the conversation and Harry can breathe easy. He jolts as an owl drops a note on the table in front of him and he worries as he reaches for it that it's from the twins. He gingerly opens the note and a wave of relief surges through him as he sees the flowing writing of the Headmaster requesting he come up after dinner.

He farewells Ron and Hermione at the Gargoyle and gives the password, his palms sweating slightly.

“Harry, my boy,” the Headmaster greets him warmly and Harry takes a seat across from him. “Tea?” Two cups are poured and they sit for a moment in silence.

“For the Yule break, Ron wants me to go to the Burrow,” Harry starts quickly. “But I'd really prefer to be at Grimmauld place,” Dumbledore nods as he considers the teen's words. Members of the Order would be in and out of Grimmauld place, and he could place a professor there with him.

“I think I could arrange that, Harry,” he places his teacup down. “I am unsure if Professor Lupin would want to stay the entire time, but I could talk to him.”

“Oh, if he can't that's ok,” Harry's voice is tight.

“Well, I'll work something out,” Dumbledore signals that their meeting was drawing to a close. Harry stands and pauses with his hand on the door handle.

“Sir, when I look in the Mirror of Erised I see you _only_ wearing socks,” he waggles his brows and Dumbledore chuckles delicately.

“Goodnight, Harry,” he's heard the rumours too, and he can only guess Lupin is on his list. Dumbledore sighs as he realises that only seems to leave one person who can stay at Grimmauld place with the teen, as he's sure Harry wouldn't make a pass at _him_.

Harry grimaces as he places the memory in the pensieve. It was getting easier to make the passes. Two to go.


	10. Lupin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's getting more confident as he makes his penultimate pass.

Harry spends the first week of December stumbling through his classes, unable to make eye contact with any of his teachers except Lupin and Snape, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he can no longer meet their eyes, too. His eyes flit around the Great Hall during meal times, the threat of Mistletoe keeping him on his toes, he didn't really want to end up under that cursed tradition again, not after Cho.

Hermione casts a warming charm on the three of them as they reach the castle after Magical Creatures and they make their way to the Defence classroom. Harry can feel his cheeks burn and he tries to pass it off as the charm just over-warming him but Hermione doesn't seem to buy it.

She hasn't been pestering him about the dare like Ron has, but she's been watching him study Lupin mostly and she's pretty sure she knows why Harry is so nervous. In a way she's correct, the constant sex dreams about hands and candles and necks were getting through to Harry slowly. That maybe it wasn't girls that he was most interested in. Maybe that was why it was so hard to hit on the female professors.

But she wasn't correct in her theory that he likes Lupin, no the man was like a father figure to him. It felt a little perverse, the idea of hitting on one of his dad's best mates. Not because of his age, Dumbledore hadn't bothered Harry, no just the familiarity.

He was glad that Hermione hasn't been watching him all the time, as Potions classes were just as stressful for him. The fact of the animosity between him and Snape exists means no one even considers the twins would add the Potions Master to the dare. 

Lupin waits for the class to finish chattering and warming up before he starts the lesson, his voice beginning to get gravelly in the week leading up to the full moon. Harry shivers slightly at the tone, goosebumps running down his arms and he bites his lip to stop the groan of realisation from slipping out.

After the lesson he hangs back, the class filing out around him and he shoves his hands in his pockets.

“Harry, how are you?” The amber eyes flick over the teen as Harry takes a deep breath.

“Are you Expelliarmus? Because you've disarmed my heart,” he winks almost confidently and Lupin sighs.

“A favourite of Sirius,” the werewolf points to the doorway. “He loved terrible pickups, he'd be glad to see it live on through you.” The door closes heavily behind Harry and he lets out the breath he'd taken. He places the memory in the pensieve and crosses off another name. One left, and Harry was _not_ looking forward to that one.


	11. Snape : Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PART ONE OF THE FINAL CHAPTER: The list is down to one last name, can Harry bring himself to do this?

Harry can't meet Lupin's eyes in class the next morning and Hermione giggles to herself as they make their way to Herbology. He keeps his robe tightly curled around himself as he does his best to ignore Hermione's giggling and he's glad Ron hasn't caught on.

Classes pass by quickly and the Yule holiday is approaching far too fast for Harry's liking. Friday afternoon Potions goes by and Harry can't bring himself to have to make a pass at Snape. _Snape, really?_ He stares at the list, only one name isn't crossed off, and it still has no ideas around it.

Divination on Monday has Trelawney studiously avoiding looking at his table as she speaks. “The fire in your heart burns,” her voice winds itself into him. “You've been avoiding seeing the truth, and this week you'll see it twice as much.” His head falls into his hands, what drivel.

Tuesday sees a boring morning class of History and the students shake off the sleepiness as they head to Potions. Harry's mind travels to thoughts of flickering candles and he startles as the bell rings to signal lunch. He curses the twins again as he makes his way to Defence after another icy Magical Creatures lesson.

His blood goes cold as he glances to the front of the room. Of course, Sunday was the full moon. No, he wasn't going to do it. He survives the class, barely, and he locks himself in his bed as he thinks back to Trelawney's words, Lupin would be back in class tomorrow morning, it's fine.

Yet he knows it's not fine as he takes his seat in Defence the next morning and he shivers as the Potions Master sweeps into the room, his cloak billowing behind him. Harry can feel the goosebumps roll down his arms and legs and he fights the urge to fall face first onto his desk.

He refuses to acknowledge that he's staring at the Potions Master, he's just paying attention. Paying attention to how he tucks his hair behind his ear as he takes a duelling stance. Paying attention to the flicker of pale skin of his wrist as he swishes his wand, effectively disarming the student across from him.

 _Shit._ His fingers slip on his own wand as he squares up against Dean, his housemate throwing a jelly legs and he barely manages to deflect it with a quick 'Protego'.

“Non-verbally, Potter,” the baritone of Snape's voice snaps him to attention and he focuses on his friend. He flicks his wand, _Expelliarmus_ , passing through his mind as he disarms Dean. The professor strides around the nearly silent classroom adjusting stances and sneering when students whisper or mouth their spells.

He manages to get hit by a stinging hex and he goes to flick his wand to stupefy Dean, however a large hand closes over his before he can.

“Change your grip, and your stance,” the deep voice resonates in him as he allows the professor to guide him into a side stance. “Standing side on makes less of a target, and if you relax your death grip on your wand you can achieve smoother casts,” the older man releases his hand and Harry lets out a shaky breath as he flicks his wand at Dean, his housemate crumpling to the floor.

“Better,” Snape nods as he Rennervates Dean. “Death grip casting of Stupefy often results in the victim being blasted across the room. If you are just trying to stop them, the looser grip helps a lot.” He continues around the class and Harry is glad for the room being warm to explain his flushed cheeks and sweaty brow.

Friday dawns, the last day of term before the Yule break. Harry wakes with a shuddering groan and he flushes as he glances to see the evidence of a very good dream. He grasps his wand and vanishes the mess, his face reddening as he recalls the dream, a large hand grasping a candle which turned into his dick, his mouth pressing kisses and bites along a smooth neck.

“The candle burns quickly, the final day is upon you to act,” he ignores the Divination teachers words as he drips wax into a goblet of water.

“I see a blob,” he suggests to Ron.

“Looks like a rose,” the red head shrugs leafing through his text book.

He's hoping the final lesson of the day would go quickly, but the moment he sets his bag down on the bench he gets a bad feeling.

“Today we will be brewing scrying potions,” Snape starts the lesson briskly and Harry feels his cheeks burn. Ron muffles a snort and Harry silently curses the Weasley twins again. “Begin, no talking.”

Harry brews the potion, he hadn't specifically exploded the cauldron at the Burrow, the scrying potion had worked, it showed this class. He glances up and meets Snape's eyes, the Potions Master was glaring at him, nothing new there. But as the glare lingers Harry feels like he's missing something, or like he's been distracted just long enough that as he stirs the potion it suddenly sparks before exploding.

“Potter you can stay behind and clean this up,” Snape cleans off Ron and Hermione's robes that had been splashed by the potion and Harry nods meekly. The bell rings and the class leaves, relief on their faces as they begin their Yule break.

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

“When I'm around you I just can't think straight,” Harry grins charmingly as he vanishes the potion from his robes.

“You'll clean that mess by hand,” he snaps as Harry raises his wand towards the cauldron.

“Make me,” the Potions Master takes two steps and grabs the teen's wrist, twisting it slightly and Harry drops his wand. Time feels like it slows right down as Snape's black eyes meet Harry's green ones, and he unconsciously licks his lips as he feels Snape look into his mind.

He sees the awkward passes at the female teachers and can feel the teen's disgust at the acts. He feels the confidence grow as he moves onto the male teachers, he feels the teen's dreams. He can feel the discomfort at making a pass at Lupin, but none of that directed at him.

“Shut up, Potter.”

“Make me,” the words barely leave his mouth as Snape crashes their lips together.


	12. Snape : Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Has Harry finally found the perfect Pick Up Line?

“Make me,” the words barely leave his mouth as Snape crashes their lips together.

It's rough, their teeth click together as Snape presses forward, and Harry gasps as he feels his thighs hit a table. The hand holding his wrist releases and grabs his robes, hauling him away from the table and turning him sharply so his back hits the stone wall.

Harry whimpers as the older man presses a knee between his thighs and he winds his hands in the black hair, tugging him closer.

“Leave,” Snape barely manages to pull himself away from the teen. Harry looks defiantly up at him and opens his mouth to respond. “Do not say it again, _leave_ or I won't be able to let you,” his breathing is laboured as he straightens up, his hands releasing Harry's robes.

Harry nods once and leaves the classroom, pulling his cloak tightly around himself.

“Mum was bummed you weren't coming to the Burrow,” Ron sighs as Harry throws himself into a couch near the fire in Gryffindor Tower. “She organised with Dumbledore that we'd be coming for Christmas day to have lunch and presents.”

“That sounds nice, no offence to the twins but I don't need to hear them snickering at me all holiday,” Harry grumbles as he does his best to stop thinking about what had just happened. The memory doesn't go in the pensieve.

The next morning the post arrives and a note is dropped to Harry. ' _Harry, the train leaves in a few hours, we know you're taking the Floo, but times a-ticking, F &G._' He scrunches up the note and tosses it into the fire when they get back to the Common Room and Hermione raises a brow at him.

“I'll walk you guys down to the Thestrals,” he offers as her look doesn't soften. He's glad when they're gone and he can start to relax, he taps his pocket to check he's got everything, his trunk shrunk down, the mini pensieve, the list, his wand and the invisibility cloak. He nods as he makes his way to Dumbledore's office, mentally preparing for the Floo ride, he didn't enjoy travelling by Floo but it was the safest way to travel.

He holds back his look of shock as he enters the Headmaster's office to find Dumbledore and Snape talking. He had assumed Lupin would be staying at Grimmauld Place with him.

“Sir,” he nods to Dumbledore and ignores Snape's presence, hoping Dumbledore wouldn't feel anything off.

“Harry, Professor Lupin was unable to stay for Christmas, so Professor Snape will be staying instead,” also Lupin wasn't sure that Harry _wasn't_ into him and didn't want to effectively be alone with the teen.

“Yes, sir,” Harry shrugs as the Headmaster sweeps a hand over the fireplace, bringing it to life. “Number Twelve Grimmauld Place,” he states clearly as he steps into the green flames.

He is deposited in the sitting room and he dusts off gingerly as his head continues spinning. A few moments pass before the flames flare green again and Snape strolls through gracefully.

“Do not,” Snape says sharply flicking his wand and silencing Harry as the teen opens his mouth. Harry points his wand at himself and silently casts ' _Finite Incantatem_ ' and he follows the Potions Master out of the room.

“Why not?”

“Because currently there are other Order members here,” Snape stops abruptly and turns to face the teen. “Like Mad-Eye,” he raises an eyebrow pointedly and Harry flushes.

“I'm gonna go and settle into a room,” Harry heads up the stair case and Snape enters the kitchen to farewell Mad-Eye, not that he would tell Harry the house was already emptying out for the next few days.

The two sit for dinner around six and Harry looks around the empty kitchen with an amused look.

“When are the Weasley's arriving?” He asks casually as he chews a bread roll.

“Christmas eve,” Snape replies drily, he wasn't particularly looking forward to a houseful of the red heads.

“House seems empty.”

“Do not,” Snape reiterates as Harry grins at him. The brunet watches as Kreacher cleans their plates after they finish and he makes a coffee, a small nod to the pot in question to Snape who gives a small nod of affirmation.

“I think I might enjoy this in the Library,” Harry takes his cup as he leaves the kitchen with a glance to Kreacher. Snape shrugs as the teen leaves the room, he wasn't going to follow him up there.

He spends the next four days glancing at Snape and beginning to speak, each time having the Potions Master snap at him to _not_. Every time Harry would shake off the silencing spell and ask a completely random question instead and it was driving Snape mental.

Harry was being tortured himself through his teasing, but he was glad for silencing spells as he spends the nights in his room, his dreams filled with memories of the kiss. He was also being badgered by daily letters from the twins warning him that Boxing Day was coming and they would be telling their mum unless a memory drops.

Late in the afternoon of Christmas eve the Weasley's and Hermione arrive, along with members of the Order for a Christmas meal. Harry thanks whoever is listening that Christmas day would just be the Weasley's and Hermione as he plans a way to finish the dare.

Fred and George look disgustingly glad to see Snape staying at Grimmauld place and can't help but hope maybe it wouldn't be a pensieve drop for the final pass. Snape guards his food warily as he misreads their expressions and Harry looks tightly wound.

Sometime between breakfast and lunch Harry finds himself in the hallway passing Snape as the twins exit their room. He glances up and spots a mistletoe, and he thanks Ginny for hanging one right here, though it may have been the twins as their faces light up.

“Oh, mistletoe,” he grins as he meets Snape's eyes. “Probably infested with Nargles.”

“Do shut up, Potter.”

“Make me,” the words barely leave his mouth as Snape crashes their lips together again. He didn't have to use a pensieve this time, and he realises, he's found the perfect pickup line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been thinking I may add an additional chapter, so if there are any pick up lines you wish were in this, leave a comment


	13. Hidden Talent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After completing the Dare, the twins help Harry discover a Hidden Talent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Halyr and momoluvsu13 for their ideas, which I have sprinkled into the mix.

The moment Snape sweeps off to his room the twins grab Harry and force him into their room. Identical freckled faces beam at him with glassy eyes and Harry can feel his cheeks burn.

“Harry,”

“Sweet, sweet, Harry,”

“We have a job prospect for you!” He didn't enjoy it when the twins would bounce their sentences between them. There was also the almost maniacal look in their eyes that was worrying him.

“A job prospect?” It wouldn't do for them to realise how nervous he was.

“Those lines,”

“Perfection,”

“Absolute gold,”

“We want to make Valentine's cards,”

“Using _your_ pickup lines.” Oh, no. Harry knows his lines were awful, honestly he was surprised at Snape's response.

“I, no, what?” He flounders for words as the twins continue grinning at him. “I really don't think they would sell, did you not hear how _terrible_ they were?”

“Exactly. We run a joke shop, mate.”

“We just want a few lines we can put on cards, _please_?” Sure, he has a bunch more ideas scrawled on the note in his pocket, he could do this.

“Okay, when do you want them?” The twins look at each other and he watches as their eyes scrunch, heads tilt, lips twitch in thought. Yet even as they never say a word Harry knows they're having a full conversation.

“Just send them when you think of them,” one of them finally says. Harry nods as they push him from the room.

He sits on his bed, the scrunched list of names in his hand and he looks at the notes he'd made around each name. None of these lines were good. Why had he agreed to this?

~

Harry cringes when he sees a card being passed between students on Valentine's Day. _'You don't need a wand to charm me'_ twinkles across the front of it. He glances down the breakfast table as he hears a small roar and sees another card, _'Is your Animagus a dragon?'_ on the front and he knows the inside reads _'Cause you've lit a fire in me'_.

Why did he agree to send the twins more lines? Ron grins at him as he hands Hermione a card and Harry winces. _'Are those crystal balls in your top? Cause I wanna see the future'_. She snorts derisively at the card and looks to Harry.

“This is awful,” he nods regretfully.

There's a couple he's not too ashamed of, a set of four for the houses among them. _'Mind if I Slytherin beside you tonight'_ , _'I'll have you Hufflepuffing tonight'_ , _'I hope to have you Ravenclawing my back tonight'_ , and _'Kiss me up against the Gryffindor'_. He manages to spot them throughout the day and he groans every time.

_'I wish I was your Arithmancy homework, cause then I'd be hard and you'd be doing me on your desk'_ , they're so bad. Harry knows he's ruined pick up lines, he can't even feel a little bit of pride. _'Did you just Stupefy me? Or are you just naturally stunning'_ , how many of these had the twins printed?

Every where he looks the cards are being passed between students. And he's sure he's heard some people telling their friends their favourites. The only saving grace is that it's a Sunday, so he doesn't have to be in class while the cards are being giggled at.

Harry's relieved when dinner finally rolls around, students no longer passing cards around. He and the other students startle at the sound of owls swooping into the hall. Oh, god, please don't be a card bomb. But no, the owls don't drop the cards haphazardly over the hall. Ten owls drop a card onto each professors lap, and from where he is, he can tell they are in red envelopes.

“ _I think you've used Devil's Snare to ensnare my heart,_ ” booms out from Sprouts letter and Harry realises they're Howlers. Oh no.

“ _I think I just fell for you, Professor,_ ” everyone is watching the teachers' table. How can he escape?

“ _Did you know that like the moon, your face always lights up the darkness,_ ” thank god it isn't obvious that it's his voice.

“ _Do you think you could read the fire in my heart? It burns for you,_ ” he's going to murder Fred and George.

“ _Can I transfigure you into a sweater, so you can keep me warm tonight?_ ” McGonagall's face flushes as the Howler burns up.

“ _I think you must have Alohamora'd my heart, Professor,_ ” the voice is becoming more like his as the Howler's continue.

“ _Do you think music would tame my beast? Maybe we could find out later?_ ” He's glad everyone is so focused on the teachers' table as he stands silently.

“ _Sir, when I look in the Mirror of Erised I see you only wearing socks,_ ” maybe he'll be able to get out of the hall before anyone notices.

“ _Are you Expelliarmus? Because you've disarmed my heart,_ ” he's almost at the door, so close, he can make it out before Snape's explodes.

“Move, Potter,” the Potions Master shoves past him, obviously trying to escape before the letter at his seat goes off.

“ _Make me,_ ” rings through the hall. Snape's fist closes in his robes and yanks him out of the hall just before everyone whips around trying to watch the older man's face. Their lips crash together as the hall erupts in cackling and chattering.

**Author's Note:**

> Started originally in 2012 and I've only just been able to restart it. Enjoy the absolute worst pickup lines available, feel free to suggest some too.


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